Humanity (Finding My Humanity)
by Carnalise
Summary: Rosemarie Hathaway is a Strigoi. When her lover, also leader of her kind, sends her on a mission she ends up finding more than what she had imagined. Rose struggles between wrong and right and in turn finds her humanity with in, but it all comes with consequences.
1. Chapter One

Chapter One

* * *

"Can I get you anything?" The middle-aged bartender asked for the fifth time. His eyes wandered from my eyes to my chest while he slowly licked his bottom lip.

"Shot of tequila" I said, his eyes lit up as I spoke. He grinned suggestively before walking away.

Taking my shot once it arrived I left the bar and moved my way to the dance floor. Eyes around the room watched me as I walked, I swayed my hips slightly to the beat of the music. I had the full attention of my target audience, a group of men hustled in the corner of the room stood up eagerly to the sight of me . With that I knew I was set, I had what I needed. I made many way across the room and to the exit, feeling the presence of the men following not to far behind me.

I step out into the night feeling the wind tassel my long dark hair, the moon shone above like a natural light illuminating every inch of the street in a light silvery glow. Walking further way from the thumping music of the club and down an alley way I knew they would strike soon.

Turning around masking a face of a frightened young women, the group of men walked down hollering at each other.

"Ohhhh we've got her now" one said slurring his words. Their stench of alcohol was over powering with my heightened sense of smell.

They all roared with laughter playfully pushing each other as they circled around me.

"What's your name sweet?" One moved closer towards me than the others, close enough that I could feel the warmth of his vile breath.

I looked at the ground "Rose" I said, slowly pulled tight at my trench coat.

"Oh come on baby why you doing that when you know we're just gonna take it off" he spoke again, this time slowly pulling at my waist.

"I'm going to give you five seconds to remove your hands" I replied.

He looked at the four other men confused at my sudden confidence.

He other men laughed with one of them saying "Looks like you're not her type Steve"

Steve, the man with his hands around my waist looked between me and the four others then grinned wickedly,

"I think there is too much talking going on and not enough of" I forcefully pulled me towards him, "this going on" they all moved in closer.

" I warned you" was the last thing I said before plunging my fangs into his neck.

He gave out a garbled scream before his body went limp and fell to the ground. I looked up the other four guys who were still standing there with faces of disbelief, "Who's next, baby?"

**-O-O-O-O-O-**

Getting into the house just before the sun perished me to death. I began walking into the lounge but stopped when I felt the presence of another already in the house.

I recognized the scent and continued walking, "Adrian" I said as my eyes laid upon his figure sitting down. Adrian was around the same age as me when he had been turned but he has been alive for well over 100 years, although his looks definitely deceived him of his age. He was tall with a toned build, pasty white skin, brown medium length hair, dark redeyes and just the right amount of stubble.

He sat up graciously from the love seat chair and made his way over to me in a speedily way. Just as graciously as he had got up from the chair he wrapped his hand around my neck just as effortlessly and slammed me into the wall. I knew why he was here, my victorious killings last night wouldn't go unnoticed in his eyes.

"You must know why I'm here Rosemarie" he hissed, his fangs fully exposed.

I bit back my response, which included a lot of unkindly words. He was the head of all strigoi, the leader of our kind. No matter how passed off I was at his gesture he could end my life with a flick of a finger.

"Yes, I know why you're here" I spoke through gritted teeth, his grip was tightening and even for a vampire who doesn't need air it made speaking difficult.

"And it won't happen again will it my dear Rose?" He whispered, loosening his grip around my neck.

"I'm very lenient with you Rose, you have to understand that the others would start an uprising if they knew I was becoming less aggressive with my punishments" his hand moved from my neck to the back of my head where he gently pulled at my hair, exposing my full neck to him. He leaned down gently and stank his teeth into my cold hard skin, I sighed with delight as a rush of pleasure ran through my body. Vampire bites are enjoyable if the vampire does not have the intent of actually killing the person they're biting, through the saliva of a vampire is a chemical drug that systematically creates the ultimate high for vampires or anyone for that matter.

Adrian's eyes glazed over as be began to see everything thought I had in my head every action I made every emotion, well somewhat emotion, I felt. Adrian had an extremely rare gift among our kind, he was able to read everything about us in a single taste of our blood. That's what made him so powerful, no one could ever truly lie to him.

He smiled once he had done and returned his eyes to mine, "I love how you execute your kills Rose, you always put on such a show," he leaned his mouth towards my ear and whispered, "maybe you could put on a show for me" with those words it was like igniting a flame.

His hands moved down my slender body and opened the ties of my trench coat to reveal the dress I had worn the night before. I clung to my body accentuating every curve I had, especially bring the attention to my chest. Adrian's eyes glazed with pure lust right before his lips crashed down on mine, his hands never keeping still while he clawed eagerly at the dress. With in seconds the fabric of the dress laid on the floor, Stefano picked me up and threw me across the room on to the couch and broke it in the process. He rushed over to me with great speed and began exploring my body with hungry kisses , I pulled at his blonde hair as he traveled lower down my body.

"I've got a job for you," he spoke in between kisses, "it involves a human"

I pulled at his blonde hair to level with my eyes, " What do you need me to do?"

This was something serious, if Adrian had a problem with a human he would have just got someone to kill the human or better yet he would have personally killed the human himself.

Adrian smiled widely "I always knew duty comes first with you," he sat in revelation for a second then got straight on topic.

"This human has turned strigoi, my men, back in to what ever they were before, human moroi what ever they were they're back and in full health"

Stefano paused gripping his hand around my arm in anger, "Like they hadn't even been awaken, I don't know how but he has been able to do it, I've sought out from strigoi and have found information for you but that I will show you later" he said easing his grip

"What do I have anything to do with this?" I asked, confused about how this involved me at all.

"Every strigoi that I have sent after him has either been killed or turned back, they were all weak but you" he placed his hand on either side of my cheeks,

"you are one of the strongest strigoi apart from me of course, I know you will be able to devise an executed plan and take that him out"

My mind raced with ideas of successfully snapping the neck of the human that was causing Adrian so much trouble and the appraisal I would get after,

with out a second guess I replied "Okay, I'll do it"

He grinned letting his fangs creep out before he plunged his fangs into my thigh sending me off into an oblivious space of pleasure as he repeated on the other thigh. Oh the appraisal I would get, I smiled to myself.

* * *

Thank you for taking time to read this, hit me up with a review for any feedback or even if you just say hey :)


	2. Chapter Two

_Thanks for the reviews, please keep them coming with anything you guys have feedback on or just wanna say what's up :)_

_Also the cover art of this fanfiction is done by user steph-95 on the website deviantart so go check her out she has some pretty amazing artwork so go and look!_

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_Chapter Two_

* * *

Adrian, after our hot escapade, took me to his underground office area. It wasn't really an office but more of a place where he and other Strigoi could meet. It was also where he kept his prisoners such as untrustworthy Strigoi, captured Moroi and humans. Walking towards his meeting area, Mikhail one of Adrian's henchmen followed along weary of my movements. Mikhail didn't trust me very much. When I had been awaken I had taken Mikhail's role as Adrian's favorite strigoi.

Adrian had explained the situation in full detail, giving me the numbers of Strigoi this human had turned and where they presumed he is now located.

"We think he's in South Dakota but we have no real evidence to prove it," Adrian said pointing at the map situated on the wall, "luckily Mikhail made it back or else we would have nothing on this guy"

Mikhail grinned widely, knowing his return definitely added brownie points against me, ultimately he was just one of Adrian's little bitches. Everyone wanted to be on Adrian's good side, cause they all knew if they weren't, well then they were screwed.

"You'll leave at sunset, it should take you about nine hours from Seattle to South Dakota if you run full speed" Adrian rested his hand on mine, "I'll be counting on you Rose, but you know the consequences if you don't fulfill your task" his gentle touch turned sour as his grip tightened until I was pretty sure all my purified bones in my hand had snapped out-of-place. I grimaced at the sight of it knowing the message he was putting across. Mikhail grinned even wider, oh he was have such a great day. Adrian released his grip and placed his hand on my cheek before placing his lips on mine gently but then becoming more aggressive.

His hand fisted at the back of my head pulling forcefully on my hair, "If you succeed in this mission Rose, I will give you everything you have ever dreamed of" Adrian whispered softly in my ear. I didn't doubt that Mikhail hadn't heard those words but his expression defiantly showed it, I looked towards him and gave him a smug expression causing his fangs to come out in full exposure.

Adrian slowly leaned down and bit down on my neck making sure my loyalty was still with him, of course he knew it was but there was nothing wrong with being absolutely sure plus I think he enjoyed the pleasure it gave me. After being sucked into an eternal world of bliss it slowly wore off as Adrian let go, he was smiling so I knew he was happy with my devotion to him. After all be was my master, leader and lover.

-O-O-O-O-O-

With the sun sunken low beyond the horizon, I set off into the night. Running, like Adrian had said, was definitely faster than driving a car. I stopped off in a little town just a few miles away from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I wasn't sure what I would be walking into but my body yearned for the taste of blood. Moving my way around the back of a diner I waited for customers to walk out to their car. With just my luck a family of four walked out, laughing at some joke Billy told. I made my way up behind them snaking my arm around the young girls mouth. I pulled her away just as quickly as I had grabbed her, only once I trusted her against the back of the diner did she realize she had been taken.

"Daddy!" she cried, just as I was about to sink my teeth into her neck. I looked into her eyes and I could feel her emotions as if they were my own. The fear she felt, it was like it was almost mine. For not even a second I thought about letting her go, she was just a child. As if she could read my thoughts her mood lightened and became hopeful. But as I covered her mouth with my hand and began to drink I felt her tears fall off her cheek and onto mine.

Only once the blood hand started to sink down my throat did I feel the gut wrenching pain. Her blood tasted foul, like she had been dead for weeks. she dropped to the ground as huddled over and spewed out a black sludgy liquid. My body dropped to the floor suddenly petrified.

No matter how much I wanted to move my legs I couldn't, my body refused my commands. I heard the sound of her family rushing to her aid, I bared my teeth and hissed. I felt vulnerable and exposed. The older boy, Billy, came towards me with his arm extended as if he was going to poke me. I pushed my fangs our further and growled as terrifying as I could.

"Billy! Move away from it" his farther yelled. Billy listening to his father retreated and went back to Stan next to his dad.

"This is so fucking cool! Ryan and the other guys will never believe this!" Billy exclaimed.

His farther just regarded him with disappointment and turned to his wife who was aiding to the little girl I had bitten.

"Mary give me your cell phone, I need to call Dimitri" I heard him say just before I blacked out.

-O-O-O-O-O-

I wasn't sure how I had blacked out, I figured it was something to do with the young girls blood. But at the moment all I could think about was the searing pain the was coming from my ankles, lower abdomen and around my chest area.

"She's slowly waking up she'll be ready in a few minutes go send for Dimitri" a female voice said.

I opened my eyes to be faced with a blonde haired women whose complexions could only be described as angelic. I looked around and saw that I was in a room similar to the ones where Adrian kept his prisoners. there was nothing besides the chair I was sitting on and chains that were wrapped around my body. the floor was just a dull plain concrete with a equally dull metal door.

"Who are you and why have you come here? " she asked, her voice just as sweet as her complexions.

When I didn't respond she walked around the back of me and pulled at the chains. A hot fiery pain ran along my abdomen causing me to cry out in agony.

"I asked you a question! who are you and why have you come here? " she asked again with more force, her voice no longer sweet.

Just proved that looks can be deceiving and she had definitely had been deceived by mine. I pulled against the chains despite every fiber in my body wanting to resist my command. She walked around to view the front of me and regarded me carefully as I tried to escape. The right side of her lip twisted up into a lopsided smile only adding fire to the flame of my rage.

My fangs seethed out as I attempted to lean forward and bit through the her pretty little figure. Although with just a step back she was far away from the biting of my fangs.

"You're a feisty one aren't you?" she chuckled at my poor attempt at an escape.

"When I escape I'm going to rip your throat out" I growled with so much venom in my voice.

She seemed frightened for only a few seconds before she pulled out a silver stake that had been tucked in her jeans. I instantly repelled back, body responding to the fear of the silver stake that she handled so effortlessly in her hand.

"The power of the elements," she said in a sing song voice.

"You see those chains around you keeping you sitting in that chair, wondering why they hurt so much?" she asked rhetorically.

"Because those chains are weakly laced with the elements of four different Moroi obviously not as much as the silver stake but just enough to for you to feel the bite" she laughed at her joke.

When she noticed I wasn't staring at her but at the stake in her hand she moved closer towards me making me retreat even further in my seat.

"You know, I was once a Strigoi and I never thought what I was doing was bad but one day a switch flipped and I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I stopped killing people just for the sake of tasting their blood" she grimaced at the thought.

"There are ones that can be saved but you," she paused "you kill for the sake of it, you would of killed that poor girl and her parents tonight if she had not been drinking-" she stopped knowing that she was about to give something away.

"You are gone beyond redemption and that is why I don't feel bad doing any of this" she said just before plunging the stake into my thigh.

The pain was excruciating, I felt as if ever part of me was being set alight but just before I could handle it she pulled it out harshly and plunged it into my other one causing me to cry out again. Spots of red danced before my eyes, my head shot back as she pulled it out again and plunged again deeper twisting the stake around in the wound.

"Stop! Please! Stop!" I begged, my eyes blurred over as I tried to keep from getting knocked out again.

She began pulling out the stake, just as she was about to dive the stake into my heart the door burst open.

"Lissa! what have I told you about getting carried away?" a tall guy yelled harshly, his voice laced with a faded Russian accent.

The now not so angelic girl, Lissa, swiped the stake on her jeans before placing it back in her pocket.

"She can't be saved Dimitri, I'm telling you she's gone way to far to be able to see clear I wouldn't even bother if I were you" Lissa whispered trying to keep me oblivious to their conversation.

"As if you're trying to whisper in front of a Strigoi" I cackled, a little insane from the pain.

"She's totally lost it " Lissa turned to Dimitri as if I had just proven everything she had said.

Dimitri pondered Lissa's accusation, while watching me pull at the chains despite my excruciating pain the wounds in the thighs were beginning to heal. I looked up at him and I was immediately hit with a tidal wave of emotions; worry, hurt, anger, confusion, hopefulness. All of which were so strong that I winced at the pain.

"No, she's still got something left in her Liss I can feel it give her some time she'll come around but from now on no torture" he said firmly. I could tell he was the leader of this group, he is the man who I have to kill.


	3. Chapter Three

Lissa had left the room and it was just now him and myself.

He moved towards me cautiously, although I got the impression that he was doing it because he thought I was intimidated by him.

I gazed up making eye contact with him and again I was hit with a wave of emotions, and again I winced at the intensity of them all. Dimitri regarded me with curiosity, he then sat in front of me and started to undo the chains around my feet.

"I'm sure you know who I am and what I do here," He spoke while he slowly pulled off the chains, they stuck to the open wounds they had made "and I don't doubt that it was your 'leader' Adrian who sent you"

My fangs seethed out as I hissed causing Dimitri to move back from me with speedily reflexes. It was only then that I realized that Adrian had been wrong, it wasn't a human changing people back it was a Dhampir. He watched me carefully trying to predict my every move.

"I know there is still a trace of humanity left inside you Rose you just need to find it" He said fiercely.

"How did you find out my name?" I growled.

With my legs free I knew I was closer to being able to escape, one step closer to killing this guy and getting this done with.

"I know a lot of things and right now I know that you're planning to attack me but don't because the only thing that will happen is what happened to you when you bit that little girl" he said in a matter of fact voice. The words little girl were like pulling a trigger of memories. The diner, her eyes, blood, her fear all flashed like a nonstop reel of images.

"There is still something left you I know it, you just need to reach down and find a hold on it Rose" he said with so much sympathy it had begun to hurt.

I plummeted deep into his warm dark brown eyes and felt everything he was feeling the worry, hurt, hope, concern. Then came more images but these were not mine, these were his.

It was a warm summers night and I was standing in a forest surrounded by thick trees, the sound of crickets echoed through the pleasant air. The crescent moon above only provided minimal light but that was all I needed to see in this darkness. A light breeze swirled around me brushing through my hair, I felt a smile spread along my face I had never felt more alive.

The sound of a stick snapping pulled me from my thoughts, a huddled form walked slowly towards me. I tensed up ready to attack, the tall figure walked closer and closer until I recognised who it was, it was Dimitri. I then remember this was a memory of his. He came closer and I noticed he was carrying logs of wood letting his chin rest upon the stack to keep them from falling.

He looked so young like he could have still been in high school. He walked past me unaware of my presents. I watched his fading figure move through the woods and I felt an urge to follow him, I walked quickly to catch up with him making it just before he disappeared through an opening in the trees that lead into a circular space that had three tents and a bright fire that flared in the middle and a group of teenagers huddled around it. Dimitri moved close towards the fire and threw the pile of wood he had collected onto it. The fire roared flaring up nearly the height of Dimitri's tall frame.

"Hey Dimka, we both know that fire doesn't need wood to keep it alive" a teenage girl spoke, he turned towards her and smiled. I felt a burst of joy spark through me.

I moved closer towards them. The girl was beautiful, she had long thick black hair and what appeared to be piercing icy blue eyes.

Dimitri sat down next to her and slowly laced his fingers with hers.

The fire in the middle soared up, bigger and hotter than before.

Another teenager from the group swore and stomped out a fire that had started on his shoe.

"Jesus Tasha, keep your emotions to yourself and not connected to your element!" he yelled across the fire.

Tasha and Dimitri both chuckled, pulling each other closer together. Dimitris eyes wandered over Tasha's face, clearly taking in her beauty. I was filled with happiness, a smile spreading like an infection along my lips. His hand raised to her cheek, slowly pushing away the strand of hair obscuring his way to her lips. He leaned in closer, a series of emotions ran through me, anticipated, excitement, anxiety but most of all the love. Her eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips, she smiled so slightly just before his lips were about to press against hers then suddenly an ear-splitting scream erupted through the air.

I cringed in pain from the sound I turned and saw one of the girls in the group had her neck snapped by a man with red ringed eyes and pasty white skin, a Strigoi. Dimitri set into action protecting the closest Moroi to him, Tasha. Another Strigoi come into action and I recognized him immediately, it was Adrian. He moved effortlessly as if he were floating across the ground. His eyes were set on Dimitri and Tasha.

"Dimitri he's going to kill you to get to me just let me go" Tasha hisses into Dimitris ear.

He turned slightly towards her carefully not taking his eye off Adrian.

"Tasha I will never leave you" he said through gritted his teeth.

All around them are Strigoi, there were at least four of them that surrounded the group of teenagers.

"What do you want-" began the boy who had his shoe on fire before, but Adrian swiftly places his hands around the boys neck and snaps it effortlessly. I fell to the floor I felt a gut wrenching pain that surged up inside me, while the boy's body lay limp on the floor and his eyes rolled back. I stayed on the ground unable to move, I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this pain. Was this Dimitri's pain? Was this the pain he felt in the moment but he's just didn't show it.

Adrian stood in front of Dimitri, I could see in Adrian's eyes he was ready to take Dimitri out I had seen that look a thousand times before. Then suddenly I was filled with an unknown rage, it flared inside me so strong I felt its pressure building inside my head.

Dimitri acted fast and striked out at Adrian, but Adrian was just too fast and too skilled to be taken out by a teenage Dhampir. Dimitri got backhanded and hit the floor with a hard deafening thump. Tasha cried out and ran to aid Dimitris limp body but Adrian was quick and stopped her.

"I'm sure you know why I must do this" Adrian said in his rich deep voice. The voice I had obeyed to, the voice that I was commanded by.

"My memories will tell you nothing" Tasha said as viciously as her little body could manage.

"Fire" Dimitri croaked. It took a second for Tasha and myself to understand what Dimitri had said and what he means but it was too late.

Adrian's teeth sunk into her skin just as the fire began to jump from the large flame but then fizzled out as Tasha's life drained away from her.

Dimitri watched in horror and I could already feel it coming, I stood up trying to take myself away from the memory. Oh god no, please no. But it still cames so strong that I topple over and cradle myself in agony as a scream of pain erupted from my lips. Dimitri's suffering was too strong, I had to leave this memory but all I could think about was the undying pain that kept hitting me, suffocating me that it was hard to even think about anything at all.

I dug my nails into the earth beneath me trying to hold myself, ground myself, to something other than the hurt. I needed control. I pushed myself mentally trying to get out of Dimitri's memory. I felt myself getting pulled out but then only sucked back in again by Dimitri's grief. I pushed harder this time and broke free.

Suddenly I was back in the room again and I was screaming.

"Rose!" Dimitri shouts, he was so close to me I could feel the warmth radiating off his body.

He noticed my awareness of being back and pulled my head into his chest.

"It's okay, you're going to be okay now" he whispered while he soothingly ran his hand down the back of my head.

I could still feel it the distress but this time images of my own were playing in my head. I had to gain control, I could not lose control. I could feel the images begin to break down the walls of my emotions, bit by bit. I focused on my anger from these images of grief and despair pushing the walls back into place. It was like flipping a switch and I was back in control, my body was still tense from pain but I no longer felt it. I was emotionless. Dimitri pulled away noticing that my sobs of terror silenced.

I looked up at Dimitri, not feeling any wave of emotion like I had before.

"Rose no! " Dimitri yelled, "Don't let go of your emotions!"

I smiled wickedly at his attempts to bring back something that was gone. I knew what would stir up his emotions now though.

"I wonder what Tasha's blood tasted like," I said slowly sliding my tounge over my fangs, "I'll just have to ask Adrian"

I saw the anger flare in Dimitri's eyes as he pulled out his silver stake and aimed it for my heart.

"Do it!" I yelled, "Do it so I'll never have to feel any of that ever again!"

He stared at me longer, the anger still in his eyes.

"Do it!" I yelled again but this time my voice cracked.

He positioned the silver stake back into the holder and swiftly turned and exited the room.


	4. Chapter Four

Days has passed without out anyone making visits and I knew it had something to do with the encounter between Dimitri and myself. For hours I tried to tear away from the chains but each time I pulled the existing wounds the chains had created that had been trying so desperately to heal would tear open letting the charmed silver burn my skin. The pain from it was excruciating but I would rather feel the physical pain from the chains and escape than run the risk of feeling any emotion or seeing anyone's memories. Day after day I grew more frantic. My body yearned for the taste of blood, with each person that walked passed the metal door their scent would linger inside adding fire to the flame of my craving.

I lost track of how many days had passed. The world spun around me while white disfigured shadows danced across my eyes, I felt my body sway from side to side digging deeper into the chains. Voices echoed around me suffocating cries of pleas for mercy and piercing screams.

"Let me go" a women cried as her body materialized from the shadows, "please I have children"

Her cried louder and louder until the sound became deafening. Another voice joined in.

"Daddy! Help me! daddy!" A little girl materialised . Several little girls materialized to join the woman.

Their faces were masked of pure horror; their eyes open wide and their mouths shaped into a scream. More figures materialized from the shadows drawing in a tight circle around me all of them had the same facial expression. I repelled back I tried to distance myself but it didn't work.

"Stop" I cried repeatedly, as their bodies moved closer.

They were there for what felt like hours all of them crying some for of plea for help or screaming in agony.

It was becoming too much.

Too much, too much, too much, too much, too much.

I snapped.

"Stop!" I yelled.

The figures vanished all except one. Dimitri stood in front of me.

"I told you to go away" I spoke, puzzled as to why his figure was still here.

"The rest of them disappeared why are you still here!" I roared.

He stepped closer and reached out his hand. I looked down and saw no murkiness surrounding him, he wasn't a shadow.

I relaxed my body only now noticing how tense I was. I closed my eyes and breathed in heavily and that's when I caught it.

Dimitri's scent.

I opened my eyes and saw Dimitri's hand retreating back, I had only a few milliseconds before his hand was out of reach. I acted fast and snaked my arm through the chains and pulled his hand closer to me with such strength that Dimitri had fallen to the floor which brought him closer to me. He smelled so good that I was truly overwhelmed with the thought of his blood fulfilling my hunger.

My fangs came out and my mind was set on plunging my teeth into Dimitri's forearm. I couldn't feel Dimitri restraining from my bite I didn't understand. I pulled my focus away from his arm regrettably, I wanted to feed on him badly. Dimitri was looking up at me with expecting eyes, he knew I was going to plunge my teeth into him but I couldn't understand why was he not fighting back.

Then it hit me.

_"...you're planning to attack me but don't because the only thing that will happen is what happened to you when you bit that little girl" _

It's what Dimitri had said the first day I had arrived. I let go of his arm and moved back in the chair remembering the feeling of when I had drunk that little girls blood. That little girls blood. The little girl. Little girl.

Dimitri's face lit up with a smile. I stopped breathing, I tried everything to stop his scent from lingering to my senses. It was confusing, my body's instincts were to dive forward and sink my teeth into his flesh, his flesh, his blood, his blood, blood. I mentally slapped myself and tried to focus on something else. The chains and their pain, but it wasn't strong enough my mind kept wondering back to the way his blood would taste, the way my teeth would feel upon his skin.

"Get out if here" I growled through gritted teeth.

He stood up and moved forward which sent my body into overdrive. I squirmed beneath the chains, fighting myself for control but I was about to lose it.

"Leave now! Go" I hissed, trying not to breathe in the air at the same time.

He moved closer until he was in reaching distance.

"Are you trying to make me bite you?!" I yelled, " 'cause we both know that's not going to help either of us!"

He stood there watching me curiously.

I searched for other things to focus on but I knew nothing was strong enough. I looked up at him and still saw his curious eyes watching me. His eyes. I plummeted deep in again this time and immediately tried to pull myself out. Not again I thought not again.

But I was in it.

I looked around and noticed I was in a bedroom. A teenage girls bedroom. There wasn't much besides a few notebooks on a desk that sat in the corner along with a computer. I went closer to the desk noticing there were photos hanging above it I got closer and gasped when I saw what the photos were of. The photos were of me. It wasn't Dimitri's memory it was mine. I spun around frantically, I had to get out of here. I tried projecting myself out like I had before but it didn't work, I didn't even know how I had done it the first time. Abruptly the door slammed open and a young teenage Rose stumbled in.

"Kirova really needs to get this door fixed" teenage Rose groaned. She looked back behind her and beckoned someone to come inside

"Come on are you really so scared you'll get caught in the girls dorm Mase?" Teenage Rose said, "Really Mason just come in"

The name Mason sent a shiver down my spin. I had no idea why but it meant something.

"Not everyone can be such a badass like you Rose" Mason walked in shutting the door behind him. He walked closer toward teenage Rose. Anxiety flared up inside me. I had forgotten that these memories usually came with the emotions as well.

Teenage Rose smiled, placing her hands around Mason's neck.

"Did you just willingly admit I'm a badass?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

Slowly I started to remember this memory. Mason opened his mouth to reply but then closed it and pressed his lips against teenage Rose's. I could feel her joy but there was also doubt. His hands moved to her waist and pushed her against the wall. I remembered all of this the way his lips felt against mine and his hands pressed against me. The memory of Mason washed through me. Suddenly I was in teenage Rose's place but I was only seeing through her eyes. Mason pulled free from the kiss and looked down at me.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Mason asked me.

I pulled him closer and nodded at his questions. With out any hesitation Mason moved us onto the bed. This was the first time I had sex, I can remember now I can remember why I was so doubtful because I wasn't sure If I was ready but being with Mason felt right. He was my best friend. Memories of my friendship with Mason played out and they were memories I was grateful for, there was no pain no suffering just pure happiness as our times together played before my eyes. How we met when we were both put into a pair to spar against each other in our combat class, how Mason was possibly the kindest person to me, how him and I would fight over other guys hitting on me which lead to Mason confessing his love for me. These were happy memories, memories I would never want to lose.

The memories vanished and another one materialised, I saw myself as a Strigoi with Adrian standing in a dark abandoned underground parking lot. Two beaten down Dhampirs lay one the floor along with two dead Moroi bodies. I sighed wishing I could go back to the happier ones.

I moved closer towards the scene. I remembered this, so I didn't understand why it was playing before me.

"Rose, my dear you choose who you want first" Adrian spoke.

My past self smiled, but no warmth had been displayed within it.

"Rose please it's me don't you remember me?" A voice I recognised cried .

I froze in place, it couldn't be.

"You are my next victim" my past self said, moving speedily into the group and snatching the Dhampir. I recognised his orange tinge hair and his pale skin, it was Mason.

I sank down to my knees and stared in shock while the memory hit me like a bus, I remembered his whimper as I sunk my teeth into his neck the way he begged me to remember him. I sat there watching my past self drink from Mason's dead body. I tried to scream I tried move but I couldn't, everything vanished.

I sat in the chair and Dimitri sat in front of me.

"Are you going to point out another vulnerable subject of my past?" Dimitri questioned.

I sat in shock. My mind replaying that memory over and over. I shook my head, staring blank faced at Dimitri.

"What did you see Rose?" Dimitri sat up alert.

When I didn't respond Dimitri placed his hands on each side of my shoulders and shook me.

"Rose what did you see!" he spoked louder.

I shook my head, gasping.

" I killed him, I killed him..." I whispered repeating myself over and over.

Dimitri looked at me with concern but I couldn't stop. I became numb every muscle of my body froze and the memory of me killing Mason replayed over. Something in me snapped and tears began to spill from my eyes.

"Oh god, Dimitri I killed him!" I cried, everything came crashing down and the guilt washed over this time I couldn't put the walls back up all I could think about was how I had killed Mason and the way he had begged me to remember him.

"It's okay" Dimitri gave out a rough sigh and brought my head to his chest.

I felt the chains break from my sides letting me push myself further into Dimitri's hold.

"You're going to be okay" Dimitri whispered, "I promise"


	5. Chapter Five

**Quick AN just want to say thankyou to everyone who has left reviews, means alot :) leave some more, I love getting notifications from people who enjoy this story as much as I am or even if you have some negatives about the story I still love to hear what you guys have to say x**

With in minutes I was moved to another room that was identical to the other in size but this one has a reflective glass wall that acted as a mirror. It also had a metal table right in the middle with two chairs on either side. Once I had entered the room Dimitri had left me immediately and with the sudden absence of his warm soothing hold I felt my mind was vulnerable to the memories I was trying to keep locked up.

I sat down in the chair and waited in the room alone, I was opposite the glass mirror and it was the first time I had seen myself. I looked like a deranged mental asylum patient but one thing that stuck out to me the most was that my eyes were still a dark red. The door quickly opened and in walked a man in an all black suit carrying a black brief case to match. He confidently walked in an places his brief case on the metal table with a thump.

"Rosemarie Hathaway" he announced, his voice was deep and held a very rich Russian accent.

He sat down and opened up a folder that contained papers that still looked freshly printed due to the smudged ink.

"My name is Nikolai Volkova I am here because Dimitri Belikov believes you have been relieved of your immortality as a Strigoi and that you no longer posses the common traits that are associated with Strigoi such as their immoral thinking" He looked up from the papers he was reading and only for a split second seemed shocked by my appearance then continued.

"I am here to analysis these theories that Guardian Belikov has made by seeing how you react to a series of examinations that you will take part in. If you do not meet the requirements or refuse to undertake any of these test then by the law under her royal majesty Queen Tatiana you shall be executed by a silver stake through the heart." He finished, stacking his papers in a neat pile.

"You can't just kill me! I'm not a Strigoi anymore" I yelled, slamming my fists against the metal.

Nikolai looked down at my fists and took out a pen from his suit pocket and scribbled down some words onto the piece of paper. My outraged had caused my fists to make two sunken circles in the metal table. I retreated my hands back and folded them in my lap.

"Your assessments will begin tomorrow Miss Hathaway until then you will once again be restrained" Nikolai stood up and left.

A few seconds later two guardians walked in an escorted me to an extremely small room that only held a single bed that was pushed up to the side of the wall. The guardian secured me to two long silver chains, one for each arm, that attached to holdings in the ground. The sliver stung only the slightest bit but not as much as it did before, I wondered if maybe they had redued how much they charmed it. The two guardians left without a word once they were done.

I fell back into the bed and I knew it wasn't long until a memory would come. When they first had shown it was a complete overload but it soon started to thin out then completely stop but I knew, I could just feel that there were more to come. A knock on the door startled me and even more so Lissa's face did as well.

"I didn't mean to frighten you" she said softly, slowly walking towards me. It was the first time I had seen her since the first day I had arrived and I had forgotten how beautiful she was.

"Rose I'm sor -" she began but stopped, she looked around anxiously. I knew what she was avoiding. She was avoiding my eyes.

"Lissa don't try to apologise" I said, "I still resemble an evil creature that needs to be killed to you"

She sighed and but I could see her posture was still stiff and ready to attack.

"Which is what I want to ask about why are my eyes still red" I asked, propping myself up on the bed.

The chains gave little room to move but I guess that's why they were there. Lissa remained standing, but moved slightly back when I had moved closer.

"They don't change immediately because technically you are still a Strigoi" Lissa said, cringing when she mentioned Strigoi.

I frowned.

"What do you mean I'm still a Strigoi!" I yelled, moving even closer till I was right at the edge of the bed.

Lissa's hand snaked out her stake and positioned it against my neck. Lissa glared at me, her earlier friendliness was gone and I knew I had ruined and sort of happy conversation that had been forming.

"You still act impulsively, your extreme aggressive traits are still and sometimes your previous immoral thoughts can creep back" she hissed.

I realized what I had just done, I could feel that my fangs were fully exposed and I still looked Strigoi. I moved back on the bed furthest away from Lissa and her stake.

"Lissa I'm so sorry" I said, confused and dazed as to what had just happened.

"I don't need your apologies you are just a reminder that people can seem to have changed but really haven't" Lissa put back her stake and left the room slamming the door behind her.

When the door had slammed the memories slammed into me like a constant reel of images. They were all of my time as a Strigoi and the people I had brutally killed. Their pleas and screams choked me, suffocated me until I was gasping for air. The played for what felt like an hour and then they were gone.

My throat felt swollen and dry and my eyes stung with the absence of tear that had dried.

"They will stop eventually" Dimitri's voice startled me.

I hadn't noticed that he had come into the room. His presence began to calm me.

"They're all just so real" I croaked, "I try to change what I do in them but it doesn't work I know they're just memories but... it's stupid I know"

Dimitri moved closer and closed the door behind him.

"It's not stupid Rose it's a sign that you're trying, trying to fight the Strigoi that is trying so hard to take back control" he said. He slowly moved to furthest edge of the bed and sat down.

I pushed myself further in the corner, I didn't trust myself after what had happened with Lissa.

"How many people have you changed back?" I asked, keeping my head bowed down.

I hated that my appearance still showed the killer from my memories. I had changed on the inside but to everyone else I still looked the same which lead them to think I would still act the same.

"You are the fifth Strigoi I have revived" he said, "Lissa was the first even though she mostly did it all herself"

I noticed a small smile creep on his lips when he spoke Lissa's name.

"She's a tough one" I sighed. I kept my head bowed careful not to let him see my face.

"Tough as nails" his smile grew bigger.

We sat in silence but it was comfortable. I felt relaxed in his presence less vulnerable than what I did when I was alone.

"Rose why are you making such an attempt to cover your face?" Dimitri asked curiously.

I could sense him moving closer, his arm stretched out. I back away further into the bedroom corner. His vast movements startled me and I found myself flinching away from his frame.

"Don't please Dimitri" I barely a whispered.

He ignored me and pushed the hair out of my face. I kept my gaze down ignoring the odd feeling flowing through my stomach. It tightened in knots as his hand drifted slightly down the side of my face. I flinched at the warmth of his touch just as his hand grazed my jaw line. This was different from anything I had felt before.

"I have faith -" he began as his hand slid to my chin guiding my gaze to his. I had no choice but to look into his eyes.

"- I have faith in you. You will over come all of this. Don't let people define who or what you are Rose" I closed my eyes absorbing his words.

"Okay." I said after a moment.

His hand moved to cup my cheek. I hadn't even noticed myself shift closer to him, our eyes were locked on each other while his thumb rubbed circles caressing my cheek. Dimitri registered what he was doing and pulled his hand away immediately.

"I better go" he barely said before he stood up and left abruptly.

I sat there confused and dazed as to what had happened. The tightening knots in my stomach vanished and I was left with a feeling that a part of me had just been ripped away. The warmth of his hand still tingled against my cheek. There had to be an explanation for my sudden feelings towards him but I couldn't begin to fathom the possibilities. I grew tiresome and I swiftly drifted off into sleep.

I was sitting in an interrogation room identical to the one I had previously been in when I first arrived. I started to panic, what if this had all been a dream what if I would have to witness Dimitri's grief again or re-watch Masons death. I wriggled in the chair I was bound to a noticed I was bound by rope and not silver chains. The door slowly opened and Adrian appeared before me.

"My little Strigoi" Adrian spoke, his voice was dead icy and held no emotion.

I was terrified as he made his way further into the room and stalked his way around me. He paused behind me then gripped my hair that hung in a pony tail and pulled it back until I was sure he would eventually pull out every strand of hair. I cried out but reduced to a whimper. I didn't want him to see me weak. I despised him, he was the reason for all my evil doings the reason for Mason's death the reason for everyone's death.

"I sent you to kill the human and I don't get any sort of information for two weeks! Is this how you repay me!" he roared, his voice echoing in the empty room.

He let go of my hair and moved to stand in front of me.

Adrian watched me curiously examining every feature of my face. I thought of the way Dimitri had gazed upon me and I realised there were extreme differences between them.

"There is something different about you but I-" he pondered pushing my head back to examine my eyes.

I realized that he had still thought I was a Strigoi since my appearance showed it. I thought quickly and decided that this could be a great advantage for me.

"Adrian my leader" I forced as much adoration in to my voice as possible.

"Rose my dear" Adrian caressed my cheek It held no love just a cold meaningless act, "You must tell me your progress before the dream fades"

Dream fades? I didn't understand what he meant. I assumed he had captured me somehow from Dimitri's secret hideout which I still didn't know its location since I had passed out from the girls blood.

"This is a dream?" I asked with disbelief, it just wasnt possible.

Adrian sighed in frustration, "That is not important. Why havent you contacted me?"

I couldn't tell Adrian I had been captured so I lied.

"I still haven't found the dhampir's hideout" I grimaced, "I didn't want to contact you with no information"

Adrian nodded and slowly paced the length of the room and then paused.

"I said he was human not a dhampir" Adrian said turning around to face me.

"Why are you lying?" he stood in front of me, looking intently into my eyes.

I could feel his compulsion begin to wash over me but it didnt have time to take effect as our surrounding had started to fade.

"What do you know!" Adrian yelled just before he disintegrated.

I shot up from the bed gasping for air. Adrian knew something was up and sure enough he would send someone to find me and god knows what he would do to me if he found me no longer a strigoi, could he turn me back? Was that even possible or was I immune to the bite of a strigoi? I moved to brush the hair that stuck to my face caused by sweat. My throat was dry and ached from the lack of moisture. I tried to get up but the chains refused to let me even move from th bed.

"Hey can someone get me water?" I called out into the darkness.

I heard muffled voice outside the door before it eventually opened, a short male guardian walked in carry a plastic bottle filled with water. He walked cautiously towards me and handed the water bottle over. I fumbled with the bottle's lid because of the chains limitations around my hands. I sighed in frustration while the guardian stood there watching me helplessly fail trying to open the bottle.

" Could you help me out here?" I asked, looking up the guardian.

He stood there with a plain blank face as he reached over and grabbed the bottle out of my hands. He successfully opened it and held out the bottle I went to grab it thinking I had a strong hold but I slipped through my hands and fell to the floor.

"Christ!" the guardian exclaimed. He kneeled down to reach the bottle that had rolled under the bed.

I watched him, my eyes lingering over his exposed neck. I saw a thin layer of sweat glistening the throbbing vein pulsing underneath his skin. I closed my eyes trying to stop myself from looking at his neck. My fangs ached for the taste of blood but I knew I didn't need it, I wasn't a strigoi. I repeated over in my head.

"Here" the guardian put the bottle in my lap.

I kept my eyes closed waiting for him to leave. I heard the sound of the door close and let out the breath I had held in. This was going to be harder than I thought.


	6. Chapter Six

**AN: Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed this, if your looking for some other fan fictions to read head to my profile and I've got two others that I'm currently writing :) **

_Chapter Six  
__._

The next day came. I had sat in the room huddled in the corner. Thinking about everything that had happened in the last few days. My memories that were coming back, my encounter with Adrian, my encounter with Dimitri and most importantly the way I felt when I saw the guardians bare neck. Replaying the images in my head still caused my throat to tighten thinking of the way his vein had pulsed underneath his delicate layer of skin. I stopped myself immediately like I had done for the past few hours. It was like living my own torture over and over, I couldn't take being in this room one last second. I sat there still as ever trying to control myself. The bedroom door opened and a guardian walked inside.

"You will begin your tests today" He said, unlocking the chains from my hands.

I couldn't stand the thought of what I wanted to do so badly and that was to lure him forward and sink my teeth into him. He removed the chains that bound me, I was unrestrained and able to make an attack but I fought against those instincts. I closed my eyes and slowly got up from the bed.

"Is she ready?" I heard Dimitri's voice.

My eyes shot open and looked towards the door. He stood there, stiff and professional like any guardian should be like. His eyes made contact with mine, and I felt safer instantly. My mind released the thoughts I had fought so hard again and all I could think about was the tightening knot in my stomach.

"Yeah, come on" the guardian nudged me slightly towards the door.

I followed Dimitri down the hallway, his back was always kept to me and the other guardian walked behind me. I watched the way Dimitri's arms flowed in the air as he walked, the way his posture never slouched and how his head was always held high. He stopped abruptly which caused me to collided into his back.

"Be careful" He chastised me, giving me a cold stare.

I retreated slowly away from him never leaving his eyes. They were so cold, they almost reminded me of Adrian. I looked away, I couldn't bear the thought of any part of Adrian being compared to Dimitri. I couldn't help this feeling I felt towards Dimitri, I just instantly felt safe when ever I was around him. Last night I had thought that perhaps it was because of the revival part I had to have some sort of connection with Dimitri after seeing his memories.

The door Dimitri had stopped in front of opened into a dark room. The walls were painted black and there were no lights or windows that I could see.

"Go inside" Dimitri said. His voice was just as cold as his earlier stare.

Why was he being like this? I walked towards the room reluctantly and felt Dimitri's hand push me that bit more in for him to be able to close the door.

"Rosemarie Hathaway" I recognized Nikolai's voice echo inside the room through a speaker.

It was pitch black, even with my heightened senses I could not see a thing.

"This is your first test," He said, "Good luck."

The scenery of a road and a forest materialized in front of me. I gasped at the sight and slowly stepped along the road, I heard the sound of the gravel crunch beneath my boots. It was dark and there was no moon so I had to rely on my intense eye sight to let me see in the cold darkness. I didn't know how I got here. Was I going crazy? This wasn't a memory I can usually sense when they were coming and usually they hit me like if I had gotten hit over the head with a book.

"I'm going crazy that's the only logical explanation" I said out loud to myself, "I'm talking to myself that's one definite sign of insanity"

I cradled myself and began walking down the road. I saw two bright lights from a car in the distance making its way towards me at an insane speed. I walked out into the middle of the road and waved my arms at the oncoming car. It got closer but made no effort to slow down and when I realised that the car wasn't slowing down and was most certainly going to hit me I jumped to the side of the road and heard the sound of screeching tiers and metal scrapping against the gravel. I got up and turned around to see the car had rolled and landed in the dense forest. I ran over quickly, I heard the sound of a woman calling for help while she sobbed uncontrollably.

"Everything's going to be okay" I called out to her while I ran over to the passenger side.

Luckily the car was not upside down so I could find a way to easily get the woman and her partner out.

"Please help my child first, Please" She cried, she tried to turn her head towards the back-seat but only turned half way before she cried out in pain.

I began to take a step toward the back door when I caught the smell of the woman's blood seeping through a head wound, then I could smell her partners and the child in the back. I was overwhelmed with it all, my throat ached and my body was reacting to this very strongly. I turned to face the woman who stared at me in agony.

"Please, my son save him" she said.

I felt my fangs against my bottom lip my eyes were probably unnoticeable in this light but I knew that I she could see me she would be doing everything in her will to try to escape. I gripped the side of her door and pulled it away with so much force that it was ripped from its hinges.

"How did you..." she mumbled, confused by my actions.

I stood there watching her as she sat there, another victim. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't help it, this is who I was. I was a killer and there was no way I could fight it, I was what everyone thought I was a murdered.

_"Don't do this, you are better than this"_

Dimitri's voice said in my head. I blinked in confusion and retreated from the door.

_"I have faith in you" _

His voice said again. I walked away from the car crash and raised my hand to my head.

"I can't save them I have to kill them" I cried while I gripped my hair.

_"Don't let what people think you are define you, you are better than this"_

"I can't" I cried through gritted teeth.

_"I have faith in you"_

I turned around and saw the woman looking at me, she was scared but not of me but for her self and her family.

"Please" she begged again, "my son"

I walked toward the back-seat and opened the door. Her son sat there with his eyes closed, I could see his chest moving up and down which let me know that he was alive. I stopped my breathing and reached over to unbuckle his seat belt, he was bleeding only from his head and that was an easy place to ignore. I held him in my arms and fought against everything I could feel and hear. I could hear the sound of his blood rushing through his veins I could feel it as well. My mind focused on Dimitri's words, I replayed them over and over while I successfully got the woman out of the car as well and the man.

He was unconscious just like the child but was also breathing. The woman handed me her cellphone as I made the call to the ambulance. I moved away from the injured family and sat behind a tree, controlling my thoughts and breathing. They were alive, I hadn't killed them they were going to be okay. The familiar sound of the ambulance rang thorough my ears. I stood up and walked around the tree towards the flashing lights.

"Put both your hands in the air!" I noticed it wasn't the ambulance I had heard but the cops.

"Please officer these people need help" I continued walking until the officer pulled out his gun and aimed it at me.

"I said put your hands up! Now!" He yelled.

I reluctantly put both my hands up and caught the sight of blood on both of them. I looked down at my hands and turned my head to the bodies that laid beside the car. They were sitting just like they had before but this time their necks were bloodied and ripped. I felt my heart cave in, I looked ahead of me and saw the reflection of myself in the window of the police car I had blood, their blood, all along my neck and over my mouth. I fell to my knees and looked back to the bodies of the family I had thought I had saved. The woman's face was frozen in a look of terror just like the shadows that had haunted me only this time it was a real person.

I gripped my hair and began to pull at the roots, my body huddled over into a ball as I let out a scream. I felt sick, I hated myself. I gripped my nails into my bare forearms and dug them in until blood started to seep out of the wounds. I was a monster, I didn't deserve to live. Why had I killed them, why didn't I let them live?

"why? why? why?" I whispered rocking back and forth.

I felt two hands placed on my shoulders, I pushed myself away and huddled into the corner. I looked around and saw that I was in the dark room where Dimitri had left me. He stood there watching me with a hurtful expression on his face.

"The family..."I looked around, I was searching for their bodies.

"They weren't real" He said.

"Yes yes they were" I stood up and pressed my hands against the wall pushing it like it would open up into the dark road I had been on.

"I killed them I killed them and they..." I paced the room and pressed all the walls, "you're not real where did they go? did you take them? Where did they go?"

Dimitri pulled my hand forcefully turning me around to look at him.

"Rose," he regarded me with concerned eyes, " it was a test you're okay"

I laughed loudly, "A test, yes a test a test"

I touched his face holding his cheek in my hand, "are you a test?"

I felt a light prick at the bottom of my back and fell into the arms of a stranger while my vision fogged up and eventually went black.

I woke up laying in a medical bed. I looked down and noticed my wrists were wound up and bandaged. I looked around the room and saw Lissa stand by the door watching me intently.

She opened the door and said, "She's awake"

Dimitri walked into the room and Lissa made her way out. He stood there watching me just as Lissa had but there was something more in the way he watched me. There was silence between us as I tried to recall what happened and why I was here but the only thing I could remember was Dimitri's coldness towards me before the test.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, moving his way closer towards the bed.

I focused on the painting of two horses on the wall in front of me trying hard not to look at him. When I didn't respond he spoke again.

"I thought you'd like to know that you passed your test" He sat down in the chair next to my bed, "Do you remember any of it?"

I shook my head. We sat there in silence for a few minutes I could see out the corner of my eye that Dimitri never took his eyes away from me.

"Why aren't you talking to me?" He moved his chair closer, he reach his hand over and placed it on mine.

My breathing changed rapidly at the feel of his skin pressed against mine, I turned to face him and saw his face full of concern.

"I don't know what to say." I croaked.

I reached for the plastic cup of water and took a sip. His thumb rubbed circles on the top part of my hand.

"I was so scared when the test was over." He said while he focused on our hands, "I didn't know what it had done to you, Nikolai said it was common but Rose it was scary as hell and I didn't know if I was going to get you back."

I watched his face with every word that he had said and knew that I wasn't the only one having this feeling growing inside of them. His brow was in a frown as he described what had happened after the test, the way I spoke and how I looked as if I had totally lost my mind. I sat up and edged closer towards Dimitri.

"What happened with my wrists" I asked, looking down at the bandages.

He sighed heavily and ran his hand along my forearm, "You dug your nails in so deep that you torn into your veins." He rested his hand on my cheek and looked at me intently, "I'm not letting them doing any more tests on you, one test was enough and you passed it."

I pulled away and shook my head. "No, I have to do them all I can't have people doubting if I'm still a Strigoi or not Dimitri I can't live with that."

Dimitri guided my gaze to him with one of his hands on my cheek. I watched him, captivated by his lips and his eyes he pulled me closer as he leaned forward placing his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes, feeling the heat radiating from him and the smell of his aftershave.

"You are so strong Roza," He whispered.

I sighed at his nickname for me, I felt his hand move away from my face and I heard the sound of his chair scrapping. I opened my eyes missing the feeling of warmth from our contact.

"I have to go and do some things." He said sternly, the previous Dimitri was gone. I sat there frowning at his retreating body.

"What are you afraid of ?" I called out to him, just as he had reach for the door.

He stood still, strong and tall. I moved so that I was leaning forward on my knees right at the end of the bed.

"Pardon?" He turned around, raising his eyebrow.

"Why are you so afraid to get close to me? Is it because I'm still a 'Strigoi' is that the reason?" I spoke softly, "Because I'm changing back I'm not going to be this way forever I'm going to change Dimitri and..."

He stood there, watching me silently while I rambled.

"I need you," I sighed but then quickly added, "I need you to help me. I'm so lost but when you're with me I can't explain it, I feel safer like all the bad thoughts just disappear and all I can think about is the twisting in my stomach when you're around me..."

I sat there silently waiting for him say something or do anything. I couldn't believe what I had just said; I ran my hands through my hair and anxiously looked around the room, Why had I said that?

"Oh god... why did I say that." I whispered softly to myself.

Humiliated I looked up and Dimitri who made his way to the end of my bed. He leaned down and snaked his hand though my hair and pressed his lips against mine forcefully. I froze up at the feeling of Dimitri's lips on mine but I soon relaxed, moving mine against his. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his hands moved down to my waist wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer. It was an odd feeling, not like anything I'd felt before. When I kissed Adrian it was purely lust but this was more, it was fascinating. I didn't want it to end. He pulled away just so out foreheads touched.

"I'm not afraid of you," He said softly, "I'm afraid of how much I can't stand not being close to you"

* * *

**I felt so awkward writing this chapter due to all the cheesiness, please let me know if this chapter was okay it would really help me figure out if i need to get my romance writing under CONTROL!**


	7. Chapter Seven

**_AN: Hey guys, so here's another chapter. I really appreciate those of you who have been reviewing this story, means a lot. I would love it if more of you did just write a little cheeky comment just letting me know what you think. Even if you just say Hey, just so I know you guys are alive out there ahah :)_**

**_Peace Out!_**

_Chapter Seven_

_._

A few days had passed since my first test and my memory of it had not returned. I sat on my bed in the small confined room, this time not bound by silver chains. I hadn't seen Dimitri since our time in the medical room and I had begun to wonder if he had started to doubt me.

I was still a Strigoi although my skin had changed from a cloudy pale colour to a soft ivory in the past few days. Was it my appearance Dimitri was afraid of? Or was it of the uncertainty of my revival? For all they knew I could switch off my humanity at any point and changed back into the killer they all thought me to be.

The sound of the door opening broke me from my thoughts. A guardian walked in a simply told me to follow her. I trailed behind her down the corridor stopping near one of the plain doors that lined the hallway, she opened the door and stood back.

"Go in" she said roughly.

She reminded me a lot of Lissa in a way, her features were similar only an older version and her tone of voice held so much potential of sounding just like Lissa's calm and delicate one. I hesitated slightly but I walked into the room and heard the door shut behind me, the room was just like the interrogation room I had been in with Nikolai. It had a reflective glass window but apart from that there was nothing, no chair or table.

"Rosemarie Hathaway" Nikolai's voice boomed through a speaker.

I stood in the middle of the room looking at the reflective glass. I was dressed in a plain blue cloth nightgown and my hair hung down matted and tangled cascading over my shoulders and down to my lower back. My reflection disappeared and I saw Nikolai standing behind the glass window.

"This will be your second test" He said, "It is the hardest test but ultimately it's the one that every revived Strigoi must complete, remember that."

I looked around the room and tried to figure out what I would be facing in this test. I wished I could remember what I had faced in my last test so that maybe I could have been more prepared for the one I was about to face. A loud mechanical noise of gears clucking and metal banging filled the room, I looked up and saw that the roof had started to move.

I looked over at Nikolai who stood there with a clipboard watching me sharply. The roof continued to move slowly and I looked up just as a small stream of unidentified harsh light shone through. It sliced across the room and made contact on my skin, the pain hit me almost immediately.

The feeling of touching a hot stove came to mind except this pain stayed and only got stronger as the roof began to move away faster. I cried out in agony as the harsh light began to take over the room drowning me in a relentless amount of pain.

I caught sight of my arms and saw that blisters that had started to form not only just my arms but on my legs as well. I felt like I had been dropped into a pit of a burning hot fire, the pain ached through my body. The room was filled with the light, I could feel the tears rolling down my face as I fell to the floor unable to hold myself while my skin began to melt.

I felt it burn through my clothing and onto my skin, wrapping me and suffocating me with torment. I managed to look up and see Nikolai standing there watching me while writing notes on his clipboard.

"Help me" I barely said.

My whole body felt like it was disintegrating into ash. My head fell to the floor and I could see my hand that laid next to me. The skin has melted and burnt off the tops of my bare hands leaving only a thin layer of skin before my bone and tendons.

_It's one that every revived Strigoi must complete, remember that. _Nikolai's last words repeated in my head.

I didn't know how to fight this, I couldn't fight this. I was wasting away to ash and there was nothing I could do about it. I laid there as the light begun to slowly feed its way through the rest of my body, my eyes rolled back feeling any life I had left linger on my lips.

Figures flashed before me and harsh banging noises echoed around me. The feeling of floating wrapped me in a soft comforting embrace.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay" a voice with a faint Russian accent that I recognized too well spoke roughly. "It' going to be okay Roza." His voice repeated echoing around me.

My vision faded to black and I woke up laying in the same bed as I was in after my last test. I could feel the tubes that had given me oxygen through my nose and the needle that was placed in my forearm. Unlike before I could remember my test. The way I had burned and melted under the scolding light, I could remember Dimitri carrying me and repeating words of comfort.

I sat up and saw that the room was empty but I could hear the faint rush of voices coming from the hallway. The sound of my name caused me to focus on the conversation that was being said.

"-her next test will be in a few days after she's recovered" I recognized Nikolai's deep voice.

"She nearly died! She proved herself in the first test. She wasn't ready for the one you pulled on her yesterday." Dimitri was the one who spoke.

"Yes she did pass her first one but this test is one the all revived Strigoi have to face and as I recall she did not pass the required test maybe if you had not interrupted she would have fought the sun light and her skin would of healed" Nikolai spoke calmly.

"She would have died Nikolai! You didn't explain the test to her, she had no idea what she was supposed to do!" Dimitri roared.

"She will undertake the test again and she will be given the same instructions, this is the standard procedure you of all people should know this," Nikolai paused, "I will call for her in the next two day and if she does not complete the task then you know the law, she will be killed by stake."

The door to my room opened and I quickly fell back into the bed and closed my eyes.

"That was a pathetic attempt" I heard Lissa's voice.

I peeped open an eye lid and saw her walking towards my bed. She was dressed in all black, the standard guardian attire, her hair was pulled up into a high bun but a few strands of loose curls had escaped.

"They really messed you up with that last test" She frowned while she regarded my face.

She stood by the wall to the side of my bed, her hands gently joined behind her back. She was a true guardian. I could remember bits of my time during my teenage years and training to be a guardian and Lissa was exactly how we were taught to be.

We were taught to be always caution and alert never taking an opportunity to let your guard down and that was what Lissa had been like with me since day one.

"I heard that I will have to do it again" I mumbled.

The thought of having to endure that all again caused my heart rate to quicken. I wouldn't be able to do it, I couldn't do it. I had no idea of how to fight it, there was no way to fight it how could you fight something you couldn't grasp.

"You will eventually, we all had to do it" Lissa responded.

I looked up at her and saw her eyes linger around the room. If she had done it before she knew what to do, she could tell me.

"How do you fight it?" I asked her.

"I can't tell you that and you know it" Lissa said harshly.

She moved away from the wall and started to exit the room.

"I don't want to be like this anymore" I called to her, "I don't want to be looked at like a monster I want to be free and not have to be doubted I want to not have thoughts of killing people or the feeling that comes after that I want to be normal… I just want to be normal"

She didn't turn around when she spoke, "You will never be normal, we never become normal"

She exited the room and left me to my thoughts. My mind was spinning from the conversation I had heard and the conversation between Lissa and myself. I wouldn't be normal? What did she mean? Would I always have a part of me that wanted blood? Would I always have an urge to kill? One of the machines beeped and I suddenly became light headed, the ache of pain that I had been forming from my wounds disappeared. My eyes sunk closed and it drifted off into a deep sleep.

The next time I woke up Dimitri was sitting next to me. He was lounging back in the chair with his legs perched up on my bed while he read a novel with the title _The Way West by __A. B. Guthrie Jr. _Dimitri looked from the book and rested his eyes on me, he smiled lightly while he close the novel and set it aside.

"How are you feeling?" He spoke.

I felt drowsy and my body still ached but I felt better than before. Dimitri leaned closer while he gently rubbed his thumb over my cheek. His hands were smooth and soft, the feeling of his touch calmed me and ultimately made me feel safe.

"I feel better" I sighed.

He moved his hand away and the feeling of calmness and safety left with it. I realized that I would have to complete my next test soon and I knew that I would be facing the same thing, if I didn't know how to fight the sun then I would be most defiantly killed by the stake that was if I didn't die from the sunlight first. I sat up from the bed and noticed the tube from my nose and needle in my arm had been removed.

"You're nervous for your test." Dimitri stated.

I looked at him as while he moved closer and quickly wrapped my hands with his. He looked up from our hands and just stared at me.

"Your eyes..." He stared at me with bewilderment, "they're like a dark maroon colour."

My eyes were changing, that had to mean something right? I wasn't going to be a Strigoi forever, maybe this change in my appearance would change Nikolai's mind in making me complete the last test.

"Do you think this could change Nikolai's mind?" I plead

His facial expression dimmed, "The last test is standard, Rose… Every revived Strigoi has to complete it, it's the test the finalizes your humanity"

"Dimitri I can't, I can't do that again" I became agitated, the feeling of the sun melting my skin spread over my body.

"Dimitri I can't'" I cried.

His hands moved from my hands to my cheeks, "Rose, Roza, Roza."

I looked into his eyes while he caressed my cheek.

"You will be fine" he repeated softly.

I closed my eyes absorbing his words, the scent of his cool aftershave lingered around us.

"Roza" he whispered.

I opened my eyes and saw his regarding me with tenderness. I saw his eyes scan my face taking in my features, his eyes rested on my lips then back to my eyes.

"You are strong one of the strongest woman I know," he said, "I believe you can do this, Roza."

His thumbs caressed my cheeks while he moved in closer and placed his lips against mine. I was ignited by the touch of his lips upon mine, a thrill of electricity vibrated through me. I pushed myself harder against him, feeling his hands move down to my lower back. I moved my hands to his chest and gently trailed them down the length of his body lingering down his stomach, I felt him tense and pull away.

"This is… this is wrong" He stepped back.

I moved to the edge of the bed and reached out to him, "What are you talking about?"

He backed away and moved toward the door.

"This… it's wrong…" he pulled his hands through his shoulder length dark brown hair, "you're still a Strigoi how could I have feelings for you?"

I frowned watching his retreating figure.

"What are you talking about Dimitri?" I stood up from the bed and walked over to him.

My legs shook a bit but I was able to make it half way.

"You…You're still a Strigoi" He moved to the door and grasped the handle.

I laughed in disbelief, "Are you actually joking right now?"

He looked back at me and left without another word. I stood there confused. Could things get any more complicated? I went back to the bed and saw Dimitri's novel laying on the bedside table. I picked it up and saw the paged that had been bent for a bookmark and I saw all the tiny creases in the corner, he had probably read this book a million times. The feeling I hadn't felt before moved over me, the thought that Dimitri honestly thought it was wrong to have these feeling for me made me ache but not from physical pain.

I fell asleep cradling his novel and awoke to the sound of Nikolai's voice over a speaker.

"Rosemarie Hathaway" his voice echoed.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was laying on the floor in the test room. Panic coursed through me, I shot up and placed myself into a corner.

"I'm not ready yet, please!" I called out.

"This is your last test Rosemarie, pass it and you will be recognized under law as a revived Strigoi" Nikolai spoke, "But if you fail then you will be executed."

I cradled my knees in my chest and waited for the impending torture to begin.

"Don't make the sun your fear Rose, fight it like you did with your previous test" Nikolai said.

I scoffed, "You forget that I can't remember my last test!"

"I have faith in you" I heard Dimitri's voice over the speakers.

Those words were like a key to my memories, it all came back to me like being smacked over the head with a book. Dimitri's word were what got me through my last test. The woman and her family, the smell of their blood and their bodies. I covered my mouth remember the image of their bruised and bloodied necks.

"Oh my god" I cried softly.

"You have ten seconds before this test starts Rosemarie" I faintly heard Nikolai say.

But I couldn't focus on anything besides the images that were running through my head. Their faces; masks of horror from the pain. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, the thought of those people dead from the cause of me made my stomach turn. The sound of the roof moving quickly got me out of my thoughts.

"It wasn't real Rose," I said, "But this is."

The sun shone in from the open roof and begun to fill the room with the hot blistering light. It made contact on my skin and I held back a scream, I pushed myself further into the light until I was standing in the middle of the room and my whole body was being smothered in the sunlight. I bit hard on my lip until I could feel the blood filling my mouth but as the sun's light became hotter it became too much I let out a blood curling cry.

"Fight it Rose!" I yelled.

I fell to the floor. The sun had attacked my skin more violently than the time before but this was going to turn out different. I focused on the sight of the bodies I had seen in the last test, I remember my reflection in the police car and that's what I focused on.

"I don't want to be a monster!" I cried.

The sun still attacked violently at my skin and I didn't know if this was what I was meant to do. What was I meant to do? What could help me fight this? I opened my eyes and saw the ghostly figures circling around me but this time there faces were smiling and happy. I stared in disbelief as Mason appeared.

"Mase?" I breathed.

He moved forward out of the circling shadows and moved towards my body on the floor.

"Mase, I'm so sorry" I sobbed.

He shook his head and placed his hand on my cheek. I couldn't feel it but I could imagine what it felt like. I looked up at him one last time before he got pulled into the circle of shadows that surrounded me.

The thought of never seeing Mason again broke me, what hurt me even more was the fact that I had been the one to end his life and without the smallest recognition for who he was. I laid on the floor and no longer felt the burn from the sun, had I become numb?

I lifted my hand and saw that my skin was still intact. I pressed my hand to my face and felt that it was smooth and soft. I stood up and noticed my whole body didn't have a single burn mark on it. I looked up to the roof and saw the sun in the centre of the sky, blaring its light over me.

"This is impossible" I whispered to myself.

"Rose?" I heard Dimitri.

I turned around and saw him standing in the doorway.

"You're… you're not a Strigoi" He moved towards me speedily.

"What does this mean now?" I looked up into his eyes.

He stared at me which felt like forever.

"You're eyes" he breathed, "their beautiful."

I looked away. So now that I was no longer Strigoi he wanted me?

"What happens now Dimitri?" I asked.

He cleared it throat and quickly responded.

"I guess you're free now."

I was free. I was no longer held in by this place, not confined by walls and silver chains. I was free, I could find my mother and my friend's.

"But under conditions. I believe the leader of the Strigoi, Adrian is looking for you" Nikolai spoke as he walked into the test room.

"Adrian is looking for me?" I said, although it didn't surprise me.

"You are under our protection from now, you will be very valuable in his capture" He said happily.

"Are you kidding me? Being stuck in this place is that last thing I want to do right now" I yelled.

"Have some consideration!" Nikolai voice rose, "We just saved your life, but it comes with a cost all revived Strigoi have to pay some sort of repayment to the institution. By means of becoming a guardian or any other jobs that need filling in."

I looked between Nikolai and Dimitri in disbelief.

"You're saying that Strigoi are revived only to become slaves for your expense?" I said slowly.

Dimitri was quick to speak, "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like then?" I yelled.

Nikolai stepped forwards, "Everything comes at a cost Rosemarie and this is one of them."

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